Tag Archives: hot mess express

My Pathetic Attempt to Control My Life

Hey Internet! If I were sitting across a table at Starbucks from you right now, I would sigh a big sigh and say, “Life… Amiright?” Because life, Internet… Amiright?

Ok. So sometimes life totally throws me. I will be going about my day thinking about how excited I am for grad school or how awesome cats are or whether or not I can pull off hipster glasses and then all of a sudden life happens and I realize how little control I have over the world (shocking, I know).

Of course, when this happens all I want to do is find a way to control my life (something so destined for failure its almost not even funny… almost). I just want so badly to trick myself into thinking I can control stuff because it sounds easier than just accepting the fact God’s plan is better than mine, even when I don’t understand it.

So instead of doing the healthy thing and trying to accept what I cannot change (is that what they say in AA? Does this make me sound like a alcoholic?), I do things like watching this THIRTY MINUTE video about how this chick arranges her planner:

Thirty minutes guys. I watched the entire thing and then decided I NEEDED some of these stickers and spent about an hour on Etsy favoriting a ton of them so I could eventually buy them and THEN MY LIFE WOULD BE A-OK….. It’s funny when people are wrong isn’t it?

It occurred to me while I was scrolling through HUNDREDS OF STICKERS that maybe (just MAYBE) this was a subconscious ploy on my part to put off dealing with real life, BUT THE STICKERS! THEY CALL TO ME!!!

Ironically, no one on Etsy make stickers for your planner that say “Hey crazy! It’s time for therapy!”** They make speech therapy stickers and physical therapy stickers and occupational therapy stickers. They make dentist stickers (I NEED THESE) and doctors stickers and vaccination stickers, but no “life is hard, get thee to therapy” stickers. Why is this?! They have have “order your pills” stickers and “change your contacts” stickers and “you have your period” stickers. But they never think that maybe if somebody is obsessively sticker-ing their planner that maybe (just MAYBE) that person may also be in therapy because LIFE IS HARD? C’mon Etsy!!

So the moral is this: life is hard and I don’t get to be in control of it, but I still REALLY want some of these stickers because I am really bad at organization and these could maybe (just MAYBE) help with that a little? Maybe? Or am I just making excuses at this point? What do you think, Internet?

What are your coping skills when life gets to be LIFE…amiright?

**Just a disclaimer, I DON’T think therapy is for crazy people. This is hyperbole. Obvi. (At least I hope it is Obvi).

That Time I Set My Cat On Fire

Hey Internet! So today is Tuesday, and I am really going to try to get on a Tuesday/Thursday/Maybe a day on the weekends blog schedule now that summer is here (straight A’s bitches!!!) and I only have work/blogging/moving to worry about and even though I’m posting this late in the day, I’m still posting it on a Tuesday so I count this as a win!!

Today I’m going t tell you a real gem of a story, as I’m sure you could tell by the title of this post.

So, one upon a time (lets call it within the last 6 months), I was at home for a few days.  I invited some friends over for some dinner and snuggles (So. Many. Snuggles). And because I am THE BEST daughter (note: by THE BEST, I mean I always ask my mom if I can invite people over at the last minute, and then I feel guilty) I tried to make my mom’s place suppa nice, which involved lighting some Bath and Body Works candles, because that is what you do when you own two cats and two dogs – lots of B&BWs scented candles…

Anyway, Old Roommate showed up early (a sure sign of the apocalypse) and we got to talking on the couch. My mom’s cat Linus jumped onto the table and started asking Old Roommate for some pets, at which point he stuck his tail over one of the lit candles and FREAKING SET HIMSELF ON FIRE!!!! His tail was in flames guys, I cannot emphasize that point enough. The. Cat. Was. On. Fire.

This is the point I started screaming “Linus! Linus!” and somehow (I honestly have yet to figure this part out) put out the fire by frantically waving my hands at it. The cat, by the way, did not even freakin’ notice that he had been on fire! He just seemed confused as to why I kept screaming.

Now that the cat was no longer in clear and present danger, it was time for me to FREAK THE HECK OUT.

“LINUS WAS ON FIRE! HE WAS ON FIRE! THE CAT WAS ON FIRE!!!” (In the style of “Violet! You’re turning violet Violet!”)

All the yelling got my mom’s attention and she came into the room and tried to asses the damage. The cat was obviously slightly scorched because the smell of burning hair was filling the living room (Not quite the smell I was going for cat!!) but he was not phased in the least and was not interested in being examined.

After my heart stopped pounding the night proceeded as normal (except for old roommate announcing “You missed it! The cat was on fire!” to every person who walked in the door), but freaking THE CAT HAD BEEN ON FIRE, GUYS!!!

This is the fire cat.

This is the fire cat.

Make me feel better, Internet, have you ever set a pet on fire?

That Time Coffee Almost Killed Me

Hey Internet! Happy Tuesday. We have officially entered test-season over here. I had one last Thursday, I just finished one and I have one this Thursday. Plus I take the GRE next Wednesday, so nbd, I’m just freaking out all of the time. I’m taking a quick break between test-taking and test-studying to tell you about a day last week where coffee literally almost killed me.

It was the day of the first test of the semester and I had gotten around 2 hours of sleep (I wasn’t up studying- I just seriously couldn’t fall asleep. It was a problem) I knew I needed energy in order to power through my classes (as well as go to Hollywood Studios with Adorabeezle Winterpop afterwards because, you know, good life choices and all that).

I figured that Test Day deserved some Starbucks . And that that Starbucks needed to be a venti and while we are at it, let’s add an extra shot of espresso because I got no sleep and, you know, good life choices. So I ordered my new favorite drink – a cinnamon dolce flat white with said extra shot and when I got it I looked at the label and it hit me that I had just purchased a beverage with a QUADRUPLE shot of espresso. You know, like someone who makes good life choices.


So I drank my coffee (in record time) and I went to school and I totally killed my test and then I sat through my second class. By the end I was exhausted again so I walked over to the coffee shop in the school library and got a medium Mayan mocha because, you know, good life choices (this also happened to be espresso shots 5 and 6 for those of you keeping track at home).


So I drank my (really amazing) latte and sat through my two hour linear algebra class and went home. Then I Adorabeezle and I promptly left to go to the Studios (We had a dismantled hat to see). So we get to Hollywood and – what’s this? – the park’s Starbucks opened yesterday?! DON’T MIND IF I DO!!


And this is where the life choices go bad. Very very bad. Turns out chugging half of a grande iced caramel macchiato (shots 7 and 8) after 6 other shots of espresso and I don’t even want to think about how much milk will make you want to die.

Honestly, I don’t think it was the coffee as much as the milk. My stomach basically gave up on life and made it very clear that if I did not find something healthy to put into it right away it was going to revolt. So I got the healthiest theme park food I could find (a quinoa and arugula salad topped with Salmon – it was pretty dang delicious). And waited for my body to start functioning properly. Which it eventually did.

Basically the entire day was a lesson in why maybe I should pay more attention to what I am doing to my body. Also that caffeine does not have lasting effects on me and maybe I should just try napping next time. Maybe.

Has coffee ever tried to kill you Internet? Or am I the only dumb one around these parts?

Tantrum. Tantrum. I am Throwing a Tantrum.

Hey Internet. How’s it going? I’m having a rough day.

No. I take that back. I’m having a rough hour.

It’s not even my day because my day was fine. My last hour sucked and I’m here throwing an internet tantrum because that is what good decisions are made of right?

Back story: While I was at work I got an email from Starbucks that basically said “guess what? WE HAVE RED CUPS!” and I was SO EXCITED because I love Christmas and it’s November 1st and RED CUPS AND CARAMEL BRULEE LATTES AND EVERYTHING IS WONDERFUL…Until it wasn’t.

I drove straight from work to Starbucks and ordered a caramel brulee latte and waited for it while I picked out the perfect Christmas song to listen to. But then they handed me my drink AND IT WAS NOT IN A RED CUP. Devastating. And I couldn’t listen to my first Christmas carol without a red cup so I switched back on T Swift and drove home.

And then I checked the mail.

And we didn’t get anything today (or yesterday) and my mom sent me a package on Monday and I haven’t gotten it and it has important things in it. Things like a cat toy that might keep Binx from waking me up at 4 am every morning because he is bored and lonely (his new cat friend is not warming up to him and he is getting more needy as a result).

And this normally wouldn’t be so horrible except I don’t trust our post man AT ALL because he already lost a package sent to my roommate from her mom (which was confirmed as delivered and it WASN’T) AND he has left other peoples mail boxes open before (at least twice) so anybody or their mother could steal stuff and the post master doesn’t seem to care and WHAT IF MY PACKAGE GOT LOST AND I WILL NEVER SLEEP AGAIN?!?

To top it all off, my body has taken it upon itself to remind me that I am a woman. I get it, body. I have lady parts. I don’t need a monthly reminder.

And everything is lies and awful!!!

And I know, Internet. I know that this is a ridiculous tantrum and none of these things are really big problems in the grand scheme of things.

I know I almost cried over the color of a paper cup.

But today my mom put up our Christmas trees and for the first time in my life I wasn’t there to be a part of it.

And that makes me sad.

But that’s still not the biggest of deals. It’s part of being in your twenties, I expect – Missing family traditions and creating your own. But I don’t have to like it.

Still, people I know are struggling with much bigger things. People are dealing with Real World Capital Letter problems and I’m whining about a cup that is lacking in color.

It makes m pray for perspective… And then makes me quickly realize I don’t actually want perspective. I don’t want that at all. Because, guys, I just lost it over a cup. A cup made of white paper. I don’t particularly want to learn how to handle real problems. But I asked for perspective, and that’s a prayer that is usually answered.

So I don’t know internet. I’m just dumping this all on you because I want to record it and I want to be real and present and this is the real me presently. Drinking my Christmas coffee in my non-festive coffee cup, wishing I was listening to Taylor Swift (I would be but the roommates are watching Lord of the Rings) and thinking about perspective.

What are you thinking about presently?


Red Cup Happiness



Just Call Me Holly Hobo

Hey Internet!!

Today I want to talk about creativity, namely how you manage it. Lest you think this is a “how to be creative” post, let me just squash that perception right now. This is not something I am good at. In fact I’m pretty pathetic at it. But it’s still something worth talking about.

I’ve always considered myself a fairly creative person. I like to make things. I spend a lot of time dreaming of all the fun DIY projects I could do, and it’s something I really like.

However, I’ve never fancied myself super talented or good at follow through. Some of you will take issue with that last statement, so let me explain the talent thing (I can’t think of anyone who would argue that I was good at follow through). I’m extremely good at some crafts. Mostly it’s the old lady stuff – cross stitching is my jam and I am fairly good at crocheting as long as I don’t have to do some fancy stitch. I can put together a mean scrapbook, as long as I have a printer handy. These are things I can do.

The things I can’t do are the more artsy things. I’m terrible at free hand wording or drawing. I am not at all comfortable with a paint brush in my hand. I cannot spray paint. Literally. Don’t tell me that anyone can spray paint because I will call you a liar and a communist. I can make a mean play dough elephant, but that is the extent of my sculpting abilities. I always use too much modpodge.

So I know my limitations. I don’t try to paint anything for my walls because I know I’ll end up frustrated. I stick to what I know won’t turn me into a crazy person.

But the crazy comes out anyway.

I’m always full of crafty ideas, but I always seem to be crunched for time. I slowly accumulate a list of things in my head to do, until one day I snap and I end up roaming the aisles of Walmart talking to myself (because chances are my nearest crafting store is closed by the time the snap happens – usually after 10 pm). I may or may not be in my Muppet pajamas when this happens. It all depends on how fast I’m taken over by the crazy lady who just wants to modpodge glitter onto EVERYTHING.

So I end walking around Walmart with glitter and modpodge and paint sponges and crochet needles and yarn and paint and canvas and microbeads thinking “What should I do? What should I get? How much is this going to cost? Why isn’t Michael’s open 24 hours?!”

This time around I’m making a hat.

But when I’m wandering Walmart looking like Holly Hobo, I can’t help but wonder if this could be avoided. What if I didn’t suppress my crafting urges until I got so desperate to make something that I have to hightail it to the store? Pride in my looks be damned! I don’t have time to put on a bra! I need to modpodge something right now, or my head will literally explode!!… I am not proud of this you guys, I want you to know that I KNOW these are the ramblings of a crazy person. I’m aware. Consider this my cry for help.

I need to learn how to manage my creativity. I need to have a more consistent way to express myself, because if I don’t figure this out soon I’m afraid to find out what my next crafting craze looks like.

How do you manage your creativity, Internet? I seriously need your help.