Hey Internet!! How are you all doing? I hope you are doing better than I have been doing recently. Because I caught the death and it was not pleasant.
You see Internet, if there is one thing I am good at, it is being sick. I don’t like to brag or anything, but when I get sick, I COMMIT. I don’t just get a runny nose. I have a full-on systematic bodily break down (note: Full-On Systematic Bodily Break Down is the name of my first solo-album. Also it took about 25% of my DAILY available brain power, to string those words together, so buckle up. The sentence structure is probably about to get rough up in here.) I thought since I am SO GOOD at being sick, I would share my gift with you and give you some tips and tricks on how to survive the death. You’re welcome Internet. You. Are. Welcome.
Anyway, the first rule of sickness is to be as public as possible with it. Because everybody LOVES a bored sick-person’s death-induced grumblings on mucus*.
In case you aren’t facebook friends with me and missed all of the GEMS I posted, I thought I would give you an overview:
Super long rambling facebook posts are key.
And so are Up to the Minute Twitter Updates
And remember to take to instagram as well (Also, can I just say how proud I am of coming up with #sickstagram? Way too proud folks. Way too proud.)
The second rule of sickness is to wear pants as infrequently as possible. Seriously. Pants are THE WORST and it has been scientifically proven that they hamper the healing process** If you are in your house and nobody is over then you need to take off your pants. This is really important.
The third rule is soup. You need to eat soup, but you have to do your best to not have to get it yourself. This is where it comes in handy to have the best coworkers/mother around. Otherwise you may have to get your own soup and that would be unpleasant.
Rule four is sleep. Sleep a lot. I ended up having to call in sick on Friday and I did not get out of bed ’til one. (And as you can see from above, that was only for the promise of soup. I told you soup is important.)
If you absolutely have to go out in public, rule five is don’t worry about your appearance and don’t over do it. I had a long standing coffee date on Saturday and I thought I was up to sitting at Starbucks for an hour or so. I wore my sweatpants and my hair was in the same braids it had been for over a day and a half. All I did was sit down and drink some hot apple cider, but I was so worn out afterwards that I came home and slept for almost SEVEN HOURS. I got home at 11:45 AM and went straight back to bed and did not get up until 6:30 PM. And I hadn’t even put on real pants! Learn from me internet and don’t over do it.
Rule six is read. If your head can handle it, one of the best ways to spend your sick time is by reading. I took my sick time to finish In The Woods by Tana French. It was good, but frustrating. If you want a good review of it check out my friend Nina’s blog. She does great book reviews and inspires me to read.
Rule seven is very important: Bad TV. It is a proven fact that bad TV cuts down on your sickness by 25%***. It is even more helpful if you live tweet your bad tv experience. For my bad TV experience I chose to watch and live tweet the Lizzie Borden Lifetime Movie that I had DVR’ed a few weeks ago. Let me preface this by saying, I have kind of a weird obsession with Lizzie. I have read a good amount about that case. Staying in the B&B where Andrew and Abbey Borden were killed is legit on my bucket list****. And I think Lizzie was innocent. The evidence just isn’t there. So, you can imagine how upset I was when Lifetime not only decided to portray her as guilty, but also as kind of a psychopath. I may have tried to get #TeamLizzie trending, but luckily for pretty much everybody, no one really follows me on twitter so no one had to listen to my ranting. But you do internet. You do:
You are welcome for that.
There is a bonus eighth rule, but that is coming tomorrow. I spent too much time talking about Lizzie and rule 8 is probably going to be on the long side as well. I am going to try this thing where I write more blog posts that are shorter. So we will see how that goes.
Hope you had a healthy weekend internet! One of us should have at least.
*Note: Nobody likes this. Mucus is disgusting.
**This is not an actual scientific fact.
***I made this statistic up.
****Some people say I am morbid… I have no idea why…