The Closest I Have Ever Come to Doing Drugs

Hey Internet! How you doing?

I’ve spent the last week getting very involved in the Divergent series only to have my heart ripped out and stomped on by Veronica Roth… Ok.. That may be a little bit of an exaggeration, but not much.

I’d say on a scale of one to “I want to throw myself off a building” it falls somewhere between (SPOILER ALERT) Dumbledore dying and the third season finale of Downton Abbey (which, in my opinion is the paradigm against which to measure all sad fictional events.) When I find myself in a fiction mourning situation, I find it’s best to just live in denial and change the ending in my head. Because I can’t handle the truth.

So in an effort to actively block out all the pain and emotional suffering Miss Roth has put me through today I thought I would drop by and tell you a story of a little get together I went to this week:

The email invite was a bit ominous. “My boyfriend wants people to come over and bring finger foods. I don’t know why. He says sour or bitter things would be best. I have no idea why. We are just going to have to trust him on this. Also, I need a lemon” Automatically I was super intrigued and curious and, therefore, totally in. I had no idea what to bring, but I was in. My friend suggested ants on a log because a) celery is bitter b) peanut butter is AWESOME c) I had literally no time to make anything real.

So I showed up with my ants on a log, they passed out little tablets, we let them all dissolve on our tongues, and then we spent the next hour and a half raiding her kitchen and stuffing our faces with whatever we could find.

…Wait… maybe I should back up… It turns out that the plan for the evening was to take these miracle fruit tablets from Taiwan….Ok. That still sounds super shady… OK. Lets try this again… There is this fruit called miracle fruit and when you eat it it makes sour things taste sweet. So they have dried this fruit and made it into powder and then into tablets (literally the only ingredients were miracle fruit powder and corn starch) and then you dissolve those tablets on your tongue and then you eat sour foods and they taste sweet for 30 minutes to 2 hours.

Still skeptical? Yeah we all were, but this is the time for adventures! So we all most of us dissolved the little pink tablets on our tongues and then dug into our plates (which included slices of clementines, apples, lemons and pickles as well as some pomegranate seeds and chocolate and pretzels and ants on  a log).

Holy Moly Internet.

These things WORK.

The clementines tasted like candy. We ate STRAIGHT UP LEMONS and they tasted like Lemon shake-ups! My all-time favorite carnival refreshment! (The kind where you take lemons and water and a METRIC TON of sugar and shake it up) That is what these plain lemons tasted like! The pickles tasted like a mild in-between of dill and bread and butter pickles that I found quite enjoyable!

And then things got weird.

We got SO EXCITED about how cool this was and how good things tasted that we went to the kitchen and started exporing… Someone may have squirted lime juice into my mouth… And it was so sweet!…. And then we drank straight balsamic vinegar… But guys! It tasted like a balsamic glaze! Like I could just cover some chicken with it and be done! The salsa tasted like Mango Salsa! (ok… without mango… but the sweetness was there!). It was pretty cool.

As cool as it was, I couldn’t help but harken back to the days in eighth grade when I read Go Ask Alice and she went to a party and they sat in a circle and some of them took LSD and then they all sat there and watched each other as they started hallucinating and then she totally ruined her life. Mostly because we all sat in a circle and took strange tablets and then watched each other try foods as our taste buds started hallucinating… I don’t think this is going to ruin anyone’s lives though. That’s the upside to not doing actual drugs.

Also, was that Go Ask Alice or am I mixing my “don’t do drugs” books up? Leave a comment here on the blog if you know, because I want to know what my reading comprehension was like in middle school and also because I really like it when people comment on my blog. (This is a hint. Take it.)*

Anyway, after we found out how cool these things were I went on amazon (because you can buy anything on amazon) to see if I could get them shipped to me for free (I totally can!) But I also found this book:

That has to best mathematical equation I have ever seen in my life.

That has to best mathematical equation I have ever seen in my life.


But lets be real guys. If you went on a diet based on these fruit tablets you would be BLEEDING FROM THE MOUTH all the dang time. From all our culinary experiments in the hour and a half these tablets were working, we found out they really only work with acidic foods. My mouth felt like it was going to start bleeding at any moment and that was only after like half a raw lemon! I don’t even want to think about what it would do to your tooth enamel. Bad bad things…

So while I am very tempted to order some of these things for the next time I really want a lemon shake up, I don’t think it is going to be the next diet trend. But it does make for a fun social gathering! So next time you want to host a party, order some miracle fruit tablets on amazon and tell everyone to bring a lemon and come on over!***

So what are the weird things you have tried at parties internet? What adventures are you having?


*Go Ask Alice may be the reason that this story right here is truly the closest I have ever come to doing drugs. You know, other than the copious amounts of prescription medication I have taken in my life time. Those really don’t count in this situation.**

**The above asterick should speak volumes to you about my social life in high school. Volumes.

***This is not an endorsement of miracle fruit tablets and their safety for human consumption. As far as  know they are safe (i.e. nobody died) but truth be told, I don’t know much about the. Like I said – Adventures.

2 Responses to The Closest I Have Ever Come to Doing Drugs

  1. Dana says:

    I must say that I enjoyed your post about 1/3 as much as I enjoyed the actual evening. Thank you for capturing it so accurately!

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