Breakdowns and Buildups

So I realize that it has been a long while since I updated this blog, and I’ve been wanting to update for some time, but when you are stop writing for too long it becomes daunting to start up again. I know, excuses, excuses.

Anyway, I am coming off of what I have been calling a complete and utter mental breakdown. It didn’t last very long, but was rather potent. I’m fine now – great actually. Sometimes you need a good mental breakdown to make you evaluate your life and remember what’s important.  I figure that it’s almost unavoidable in your early twenties.  Anyway, a weeks’ worth of crying and minor anxiety attacks (Note: minor does not mean that the experience of any anxiety attack is pleasant, it just means that I have close friends with serious anxiety disorders and I don’t want to belittle the intense panic attack they have by putting them on the same level as mine.  It still was not a good experience) lead to a week’s worth of real soul searching and I am feeling so much better!

There are so many amazing things going on in my life right now, and I was letting myself get anxious about problems that weren’t actually problems at all. I have so much to be thankful for and I was letting myself forget that.  But some awesome Facebook encouragement, a wonderful  talk , a  few choice Bible verses and a lot of prayer helped remind me just how blessed I am. 

Whenever I have my basically-annual early twenties breakdown, I find that Psalm 42 (in particular verse 5) helps me a lot.

1 As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, my God.
2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
3 My tears have been my food
day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”
4 These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise
among the festive throng.

5 Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

6 My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
7 Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

8 By day the Lord directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.

9 I say to God my Rock,
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?”
10 My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”

11 Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

I love the idea of putting all your hope in the Lord and realizing that even though you may feel alone and depressed, you can always know that some day you will be joyfully praising Him again. And that reminds me that we have reason to praise Him every day, even when we are depressed. His grace alone is enough to praise Him constantly, way more than I am capable of. And is certainly enough reason to put all my hope in Him. Because those hopes will never be dashed.

Because this verse has helped me again and again and again, I have been thinking about getting a paraphrased version on my wrist. Without any knowledge of tattoos or if this design will work, I have come up with something that I am thinking about putting on my left wrist:

The flower is a Star of Bethlehem, which symbolizes hope and also references the star that the wise men followed to Jesus, which is who I am putting my hop in so I think it comes very full circle and I like it a lot. I am mulling over it right now, but am leaning towards getting it. What do you think internet?

Other than my very-fruitful-totally-worth-it-but-awful-at-the-time-mental-breakdown, and the fact that my body decided to follow suite this weekend and had a breakdown of its own (in the form of sinus pressure, ear aches, headaches, sore throat, coughing fits, stuffy-ness, and the generally inability to function on a basic human level) I am doing great! I am volunteering with an amazing event planner downtown and recently got to help set up a Vera Wang fashion show at the Ritz Carlton Chicago. What. Is. My. Life?!?! It was amazing.

This past week was a week of reunions. I got to see a very good college friend of mine during her spring break directly before my physical breakdown. We had about 3 sleepovers and went to the zoo with some friends, which was a lot of fun. I think I may have caught the naked mole rat flu at the zoo though. It is the new disease sensation that is sweeping the nation after all. It is always great to see this friend, because she is definitely one of the most positive people I know. She helps me keep positive and makes me go on adventures, which I am not prone to do on my own.

I also got to have a movie night with my friend from elementary school.  We watched Butter, which was kind of awesome. Jennifer Garner plays the wife of a master butter sculptor and aspiring politician (Jennifer Garner. Not her husband. He could kind of care less). She has her own sort of break down. Plus there is a little girl in foster care who is awesome and a stripper/hooker who is hilarious and.. . You know what?  Just go watch it. Butter. It’s on Netflix. You are welcome internet.

I also got to watch the entire second season of girls and 7/8 of the first season of Downton Abbey from my sick bed. There are so many good things to watch that I can’t fit them all in. I also need to catch up on my Mad Men. I am a full season behind on that one.

And that is my life recently. Breakdowns and Buildups and few adventures. And isn’t that what life is supposed to be made of? That and apparently a good dose of TV here and there.

So internet, what makes you feel better during a mental breakdown? We all have them, so how do you cope? Also should I get that tattoo and what have you been watching? These are all things I want to know!!

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