Going Postal

The mail. Oh the mail!

“Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.”

Unless you live aboard the Titanic, in which case good luck to you.

If you have the poor fortune of living aboard the Titanic, well here is what you can expect:

First you will systematically stop receiving your mail. It starts small – just a $2000 check from your insurance company no big. (Unless you happen to be a poor twenty-something student who works part time in which case WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU LOST A $2000 CHECK?!?) But it’s ok. They can issue a new check.

After that there will be a waiting period. This will give you a false sense of security. That check getting lost was a fluke. It’s ok.

You will start to loose faith again when you notice the mail carrier has left open an entire panel of mailboxes twice in one week. This will expose many of your neighbors to possible theft. You just thank your lucky stars your box was kept locked.

Then your roommate’s care package from her mom won’t show up. The post office will say it was delivered but they are dirty liars. You didn’t get a key in your mailbox. The package was not left with the office of the apartment complex. The package was not delivered. Or rather, it was not delivered to you.

You will be filled with righteous indignation for your roommate. How dare they not deliver her package and how dare they be so rude to her on the phone. You try to support her as she lets go of the dream of ever receiving her hand made Disney ornaments or her stay healthy supplies.

Then you get a call from your mom. She sent you a Halloween package. It has a cat toy you’ve been asking for and your new debit card. You are slightly worried, but you figure how could they possibly loose two packages?

They have lost two packages. Well, according to the tracking number your package was delivered. Except it wasn’t.

Your rage levels escalate. You start calling the post office everyday to be told helpful things like “I’ll leave a note for the carrier” and “your apartment complex needs to replace their mailboxes.” (Sidenote: they don’t. They have been replaced in the last year).

When you call again you are told the mail carrier has not responded to the note. Perhaps she also is not receiving her mail.

You begin picturing her as a method addict stealing poor girls packages to sell them on the black market for drugs.

The words “enabling a felony” become prominent in your vernacular.

Your roommate receives an email from her insurance company that says “Do we have your correct address? A letter was returned to us by the post office.” They have the correct address.

The third day you call you are told it is your fault because you put the building and apartment number on your mail. Apparently that is a nationally unrecognized practice and that is why you did not get your mail. You point out that his always how your mail has been addressed. They don’t respond.

You are told to file a claim on both packages. You tell your mother who tells you there was a cash money surprise in the package and make sure you put that in your claim.

You can no longer see straight because of the rage. Do they know how poor you are? Do they know how much you could have used that money this, the week that rent was due? You decide that hell hath no fury like a twenty-something whose money has been lost in the mail and you vow to receive the insurance money if you have to go to the post office every day for the foreseeable future.

Then you find out your roommate’s mom was not able to file a claim on her package because it was confirmed as delivered. That is when you start screaming and throwing things.

You are going to the post office today. Good luck with that.

Life Aboard the Titanic and Other Apartment Horror Stories

I did a series of moving horror stories a few months ago and am bringing the series back at (hopefully very) sporadic intervals when horrible things like this happen.

Do you have any advice for dealing with the post office Internet?

6 Responses to Going Postal

  1. Nina says:

    Hulk it out. I wish I could send Nonna to you because she would whip their butts into shape.

  2. Alex says:

    I would have a heart attack if I was missing a $2,000 check, I would probably lose my mind!

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