A Case of the Word Vomit

Hey Internet!! It’s Wednesday! The week is half over!! Today, as promised, I’m bringing you a story of me being am accidental horrible person. It’s a long one. But I promised Old Roommate I would write it, so please bear with me.

So, last weekend I went to dinner and a movie (Pei Wei, froyo, and Divergent for the WIN) with a dear friend (I call her “The Wife” because she and Old Roommate and I lived together out sophomore year and she asked me to be married to her on Facebook because we were weird sophomores and thought that it would be funny. I learned an important life lesson from this experience – if you “marry” your friend on Facebook, you will then have to explain to some of your family members “No. It was a joke. I’m not a lesbian. I and certainly didn’t get married without telling you. I am still as sad and lonely as ever. Don’t worry.” After our Facebook marriage ended, the the nicknames stuck. You are welcome for this useless piece of backstory). After the movie Old Roommate met up with us at The Wife’s parents’ house.

I’ve already told you about the unbreakable bond formed between old roommate and myself – a bond formed in blood and mutual love and hostility. It’s also a bond formed by our mutual interest in her copious amounts of family drama. (And by “mutual” I mean I may be more interested in it than she is.) Her family fascinates me. I call them my own personal soap opera, and every time we talk I have to catch up on my stories. It is a mutually beneficial relationship in that she gets to vent and I get to sit and listen, completely enthralled.

Internet, if these were my stories to tell I would have SO MANY stories to tell you – each one better than the next! But they are not my stories and I don’t feel right telling them to you. But old roommate requested that I write this post (probably because I come off looking like a total a-hole and she thinks it is funny to have me own up to that in public). After the pictures I posted of her in my “fool-proof lessons for making friends in college” post I can’t really blame her for this.

Anyway, to understand this story, you do need a bit of background information. Most importantly is that Old Roommate’s sister (henceforth referred to as “Sister”) is a little bit cray… Or, you know, a lot a bit cray….

For instance, once she tried to sneak out if the house by dropping herself out of her second story window. Her dad found her dangling from her window. But don’t worry Internet! She had dropped a blanket on the ground to break her fall! It’s not like she didn’t have a plan or anything!

Sister has been an excellent source for my stories since high school. Even when she wasn’t cray, intrigue followed her every where. When we were in high school Sister collapsed in gym class and had to have a pacemaker put in. Since then, as the cray has set in, Sister has become kind of a hippie.

Anyway. Back to Saturday. On Saturday Old Roommate met up with me and The Wife after Divergent. She had spent the day with her family at a ceremony to bury her grandfather’s ashes. He had a heart attack about a month or so ago.

We all met up and caught up on Old Roommate and her life. Afterward I hitched a ride with her back to my car, which I had left in the movie parking lot. This is when the following happened. (Get ready to hate me Internet. I secretly think that Old Roommate wants me to loose all my blog followers)

OR: So Sister and I were talking and she kept telling me “You can control your emotions! You can control your heart by breathing. I’m living proof that you can control your heart just by breathing.”

Me: Seriously?!? SHE HAS A PACE MAKER! She’s living proof that you CAN’T control your heart. She had to have a machine PUT IN HER BODY because she was doing such a BANG UP JOB of controlling her heartbeat.

OR: I know. I was like “tell that to all the people who have heart disease, Sister. ‘Oh. You can just control your heart by breathing.'”

Me: Seriously. Tell that to yo – NO TOO SOON!

(At this point I clamped my hands over my mouth, where they remained for the rest of the conversation. I was in desperate need of a physical barrier between me and total a-holery.)

OR: Were you about to say “tell that to your grandpa” whose ashes we just buried TODAY?

Me (muffled): uh-uh

OR: Liz…

Me (muffled): uh-huh

OR: Liz.

Me (muffled): IMSOSORRY

OR: Wow. At least you stopped yourself. Although it was pretty obvious where that was headed.

Me (muffled): IMSOSORRY

(At this point we both started laughing because sometimes you just have to laugh at the HORRIBLE things that almost come out of your mouth.)

OR: Yeah. You are going to have to blog about this. Then I will forgive your horribly timed retort.

Me (muffled): IMSOSOSORRY

OR: It’s ok. But you still have to blog about this.

And, clearly, I said ok. I’m pretty sure I am contractually obligated to blog about it when I mortify myself this much. Do you ever find words coming out if your mouth and think “WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?!?”

Yeah… Me too… But I’m lucky because Old Roommate and I have an understanding – if one of us ever say anything horribly offensive on accident it’s ok. Sure, sometimes I will tell a story over and over and over again to anyone who will listen – like the time she yelled at me for hogging the bathroom when I HAD FOOD POISONING. You can’t get me to stop telling that story. Ever (But I’m not still mad Old Roommate so stop telling me I hold grudges!!!) But honestly I tell these stories because in retrospect they are funny. Yes, in the moment I wanted to stab her in the eye with a rusty fork… Out of love…. But in our friendship we have learned that we need to let our anger go. If we didn’t one of us would not have survived our freshman year of college… I’m guessing I would be the dead one in that scenario. Old Roommate is strong like bull. I am weak like…. Not bull….

So that was my little mortifying story for the weekend. Have you ever had to physically stop the words coming out of your mouth and thinking “WHY BRAIN WHY?!?” Do you have any friends whom you have formed similar mutual understandings? Or are me and Old Roommate alone in the horrible ways we relate to each other? Please tell me we are not alone.

Love, Liz

P.s. I really am a nice person and am USUALLY very sensitive and understanding. I really do not know what happened to my brain in this instance.




One Response to A Case of the Word Vomit

  1. Nina says:

    Okay I laughed. But to answer your question yes undo say things and think WHAT am I even doing with my life?

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