Hey Internet! I’m back. The last few days have not been great. I felt like I was teetering on the brink of a big depressive episode and I was feeling overwhelmed with the inevitability of it all. Depression is such a wired thing, Internet. It is so hard to explain to the outside world with all their wonderful brain chemistry. It’s hard to say “I feel horribly sad… But I also feel no feelings at all” and not sound like a complete crazy person.
I did a couple of free writes the past few days where I just wrote out what the inside of my head was like, and I think I may revisit them and post them later, but I’m not prepared to do so right now (mostly because I don’t think that writing them served me very well. I think it just kind of re-enforced the hopelessness I was feeling, so I think I need to be in a better head space before I add to or edit them for posting).
But, I am very glad to report that today I feel WORLDS better. I desperately needed to get out of my head and do something – anything that wasn’t sitting around thinking, talking or writing about depression, but I wasn’t feeling up to that. I fully planned to go home after work yesterday and sit there and alternate between feeling sorry for myself and feeling nothing at all. But, oh so thankfully, God intervened.
Listen, I’m not claiming that God filled the Chicago Air Traffic Control building with smoke, and therefore grounded all flights out of the city just for me. Things like that serve all sorts of purposes and thinking that it was just for me seems a bit self-centered. BUT I am saying that when the fan in the woman’s bathroom at Chicago’s Air Traffic Control facility BURST INTO FLAMES, God knew that he was going to use that to pull me out of this depression before I sunk any farther into it.
I know you are probably wondering how a flaming fan in some building somewhere could have any impact on my night at home wallowing, so let me explain. When all the planes in Chicago were grounded, the bestie’s MOH (whom I love and was all up in my wedding recap posts) got stuck in Chicago. She booked a hotel half an hour away from my house so instead of going home to wallow, I went to her hotel and we had a PF Changs picnic and talked about happy things and I showed off some cat/dog pictures, because I am THAT pet mom. And we didn’t talk about how I depressed was at all and that was exactly what I needed. It was fun and delicious and my broken brain did not get any attention.
After leaving the hotel, I grabbed some ice cream for Katie, who has been having a rough week what with Mother’s Day happening and all, and went to her apartment for a little bit to eat some ice cream and play with her dogs. Because it was a rough week for both of us, I don’t think either of us was really up for talking much and that was ok! Good in fact. For me at least, I hope it was also good for Katie, otherwise I would feel bad. We each did some facebooking and I accidentally played 2 or 3 or 5 games of 2048…. I have a problem… I really should have deleted it by now…
But after that I went home just feeling so much better. A friend from Bible Study offered her prayers and support and suggested I spend some time reading Psalm 18, and that was really helpful too.
It can seem totally impossible to get unstuck from depression, and on my own I probably couldn’t have done it. But I have some great women in my life and their support and the Lord allowing CRAZY situations to happen helped to get me out of my head and let me sort of recalibrate. And it has worked wonders. I doubt I am fully out of the woods. I need to stay focused on good things so I don’t slip right back into the bad, but I am meeting that friend from Bible study for dinner tonight and tomorrow Old Roommate and Marcie and I are going to grab a bite. Marcie and I will get to tell her the story of the all-out riot that happened this week at the school where our moms work. (It is a great story, and if you are really nice to me I may just share it with you too, Internet). And I think those things will help to solidify the good. Other than that I am going to try to spend some time reading my bible and the Real Simple magazine I got in the mail yesterday.
I guess my point is that I’m hopeful, Internet. And I really didn’t think I would be feeling that way again so soon.
Have you ever had a crazy random happenstance help you to get out of a funk?