Hey Internet! How’s It going? I hope you had a good Easter! I did. I will be back tomorrow with an Easter recap. But boy do I ever have a story for you today. A story of a Great and Terrible Thing that happened to me last Monday. Now, I feel the need to warn you: I talk about my lady bits in this post. It’s nothing graphic, but the word vagina is going to be used several times in this post. I’m assuming we are all adults here. This is also probably going to be very long and convoluted. I apologize. I promise it is all very necessary and very worth it.
But you have been warned.
This past Monday, I came home made some dinner, made my mom a margarita, prepared some jalapeno infused vodka, went to Bible Study, come home, did some reading, internetted for a while, and got ready for bed. This is when The Great and Terrible Thing happened.
For you to fully understand The Great and Terrible Thing, you need some back ground information:
The first piece of background, is one of my favorite stories of all time. It is not my story, but I love it so much I am stealing it: Once upon a time my friend Jackie went with a church group to Spain. While they were there, her friend encountered something truly unfortunate. She developed a yeast infection. Now, getting a yeast infection is unfortunate enough, but getting one in a foreign country where you don’t speak the language is downright tragic. Jackie and her friend ended up in a Spanish pharmacy, where they were trying desperately to communicate the problem, but high school Spanish had not prepared them for this situation. For one, they didn’t know the words for “yeast infection,” and that that is kind of important in this situation. Important but, as it turns out, not necessary. After a fruitless conversation in broken Spanish Jackie’s friend blurted out “Vagina un fuego!!” (vagina “on fire” for all of us whotook French in high school. Holla!), to which the pharmacist responded “Oh! Si!” and lead them right to the medication they needed.
Now, I probably don’t have to tell you the MANY reasons that this is my favorite story of all time. It has everything really: A strange foreign land, drama, confusion, deep personal pain, and THE BEST catch phrase I have ever heard in my life. Every time I tell this story I end up repeatedly screaming “VAGINA UN FUEGO!” and waving my hands like a crazy person. Because it is the funniest thing I have ever heard.
Combine that with the fact that as soon as she said it the pharmacist knew what she was talking about and you have a perfect storm of comedy gold.
The second piece of background information is more personal nature: around 6 months ago I started using a menstrual cup instead of pads or tampons. I won’t go too much into what that is, but brief overview is that it is a little cup that you insert into your lady bits and it is much more comfortable than anything else and also is reusable and great for the Earth (that’s right. I’m a menstruation hero!… I want to immediately apologize for that sentence…). If you are interested, you can google the Diva Cup. If you are like me you will be intrigued, confused, curious and a little grossed out. But if you are like me all your friends will start using one and then you will be more intrigued and then you will try it and the grossness will pass. Mostly.
ANYWAY, back to The Great and Terrible thing. As I was getting ready for bed, I took out my menstrual cup, washed it and re-inserted it. It hurt a bit, which isn’t really normal, and so I spent some time trying to adjust it. But it wasn’t really working. And the pain was getting worse and OH MY GOSH THE JALAPENOS!!!
GUYS. I had cut up some jalapenos to infuse some tequila and now, HOURS and NUMEROUS HANDWASHINGS later I had basically stuck my APPARENTLY STILL VERY JALAPENO-Y fingers INTO MY VAGINA in order to get my menstrual cup situated.
And. My. Vagina. Was. UN. FUEGO.
I thought I was dying. I WISHED I was dying.
I sent these text messages to Marcie:
And this text message to Jackie:
And I put a cold, wet washcloth on my lady bits and felt sorry about laughing at Jackie’s friend because when you vagina is un fuego, it really is not a laughing matter. I also immediately knew I would have to blog about this, because even though it is super embarrassing and I never really wanted to talk about my vagina on the internet, this story was kind of too good NOT to share.
This also as a public service announcement (I will NOT make a “pubic service announcement” joke! I will not! I will not…. I did…). Don’t cut peppers and then touch your who-ha internet. It doesn’t matter if it has been hours. It doesn’t matter that you have washed your hands five time. That heat doesn’t go away. And you will want to die. (I think this also applies to eyes and what not. But I don’t have a funny pepper-eye story and I am just working with the material the Good Lord gave me.)
So Internet, any stories you want to add here? Make a girl feel less dumb?